Anxiety, I am no longer your toy.

By: Brianna Tapia

There are two reasons why I fear the ocean. First, I've never been the strongest swimmer.

Second, more than eighty percent of the ocean remains a dark, unexplored abyss.

The Earth's oceans are one of humanity's most inexplicable wonders.

photo by Wix

These bodies of water are vast but not just in size but also in depth. In a lifetime, we've explored more of our solar system than our oceans. Although it seems ironic, at the same time, this mysterious consternation can be pretty fascinating. This fear has manifested a great curiosity in me, not just about the ocean but the entire universe itself. I find myself spacing out most of the time, asking myself if I even exist or musing about the purpose of life.

Usually when I tell my friends how I feel, they give me a weird look. My teachers, on the

other hand, say I'm a thinker. They say it's a positive trait. I'm a problem solver- risk taker. But

what happens when I think too much? Fear too much? Why are we all here? I don't feel real. I

am exhausted. I don't know what I'm doing. I feel dissociated. A sense of voices in my head

talking all at once. A crowd. A gabble. Trying to figure it all out in under a second until your last breath is forgotten to remember. An infinite loop of questions and curiosities. My consciousness screams at me at the top of its lungs. Crying anxiously, in a desperate search for these unknown answers. Worrying about my future colored my depression.

My vision is foggy, and I'm not committed to this reality. I'm attuned and aware of my

reactions. My head has its voice, and I'm worried without a choice; Anxiety takes my place

before I even win that race. Anxiety is not just a fear; it's a panic for perfection, a comfort zone,

and a disregard for risks; small minded. It's a constant lack of control within your thoughts that

results in doubt and failure. As humans, we are not wired for happiness; we are wired for

comfort. And often, this is why we seek ease. When we do things that can be risky, it's an

absolute shock to the body. It locks into fear mode. We have a sensibility for these chances, but when we do, we create a higher limit for ourselves. Usually, with Anxiety, we are trying to figure out how we can get around this situation but it's not around to resolve this; it's through.

Someone shared this quote with me that I will never forget. Grief is a way faster teacher

than joy, and this really stuck with me. See, life comes in waves; you expect it or don't.

Whether when or how big, I live life to the fullest without regrets because regrets are just excuses for making mistakes, but mistakes are meant for you to fall and bruise. That this shall be the lesson, that the universe had gotten me confused. Its broken pieces had given me my purpose. That with great enjoyment comes with great disappointment. To feel lost is just a sign you are more present in your life. That failing is evidence you are trying and awakening from the night.

During so, there was a thief that not only stole from me but also took advantage: of my

opportunities, my friendships, my thoughts, my daily tasks, and my life. But the ocean was too

deep. The waves were too strong. An absolute slave to my overthinking. An exasperating war

within myself. I wanted control. I realized then I had fallen in love with the unknown! I am the

only person that can stop me from being great. Risks were the answer to my prayer; the solution to my equation. Your mind lies to you. I fight back. We do not grow in our comfort zone.

I say this to romanticize productivity. Overcoming this mental block was the highlight of my life. Although this doesn't reflect on my grades, I know my progress went far enough for me to even be here today. My fear probably did kill my fullest potential and growth, but after the storm, I finally learned to breathe again. What's important to me now was how I escaped my

self-sabotage prison. Not about what happened in 2020 or where I will be in 10 years. I was able to let go. To accept and apply my past. To release my fears and reclaim my joy, Anxiety, I am no longer your toy.